How beautiful is the world when it is Sunny. I have been a little all over the place in the last week. Does anyone else feel like 34 is a funny age? There are so many wonderful aspects of my life that I could never have dreamed about having at my age yet there still feels like there is quite a lot to achieve. When is enough, enough? Why do I feel a little straddled in between wanting a career and being a good Mother? I know the two are not mutually exclusive. I am starting to feel like working for myself and being so involved in social media etc isn’t the best thing for me individually. Or am I putting too much pressure on myself, a curse which I think many women will relate too.
There are so many articles about anxiety, not feeling good enough, worrying, mindfulness that I am starting to really think about why we are all feeling under so much pressure? Is it social media? Or it is because life is a little complicated. Crazy, marvellous but complicated. I feel like mine is rushing by so fast that I am not making conscious decisions in a way. Time is just passing and all the things on my wish list are getting pushed down by my to do list.
I have started a Gratitude journal as I feel like I am worrying about things happening and not just enjoying the simple things. When I was ill a little earlier in the year all I wanted was to feel well. Funny how I would have done anything to feel better, now I do feel better I just worry about other things. So I wanted to just to a Life lately post to remind myself that the simple things are the loveliest and I have a lot to be grateful for.
So what I have realised recently is letting my girls watch TV and run havoc in our home doesn’t make me feel good. I know, I know there I am putting pressure on myself again. But it really doesn’t, playing with them and sitting in their rooms making rubbish cardboard dens and being as childlike as them does make me feel good. There are at a funny age in a way. The chaos of having two really small children suddenly has got to a point where they can be left alone in a way without worrying about them. So I found myself at home doing a lot of well I don’t low just milling around whilst they watched TV. I found it really lonely to be honest. Parenthood can be a like tornado in the early stages, All the nappies, feeding, nap times, playgroups and then all of a sudden Martha is three and doesn’t need me in the same way. So I am making a conscious effort to get involved and learn how to be a Mother that gets involved. Ok, I am never going to be a Soccer Mum, I am a terrible sports person. But I am super creative and love making things. So I am going with this. Dens, Fancy dress costumes, crap glitter cakes that no-one eats, fairy hunts. These are things I can do, so am going to do.
2. The Mundane is sometimes the loveliest bit of my Day
I have recently been toying with the idea of a job. I know I do have a few wonderful clients that I work for and Musings. Sometimes I long for a desk, colleagues and a commute. A challenge. The School run to me is one of the things I find so monotonous. Yes, I know I am a terrible mother. I have to do 6 pick ups/drop offs a day. Up and down my road with various snacks, scooters, water bottles etc. Saying the same things to the same people. There are wonderful glimpses of pure happiness though in this job. When I see my daughters faces when I pick them up. I get actual butterflies of Happiness. Which is worth all the rainy walks carting scooters, snacks, two children up and down to their schools.
3. They really want me around
Yes, they really want me around. Which I know is an obvious thing to say. My heart does swell with love when they call for me in the night, or need a huge cuddle and reassurance when they have fallen over, or when they hold my face and tell my how much they love me un-prompted. This is the magic we as mothers need to capture and bottle to face the teenage years when they sort of dont really need us in the same way. When they get home from school and go straight to their rooms and sort of grunt at us. I love being so needed by my girls, I love being smothered by them on the sofa as if however close they get it isn’t close enough. I sort of feel the same, they are part of me and I love the closeness we have now. I know that growing into teenagers and wanting their independence is all part of the bigger picture that we just get to look after them for a small period of their life before they lead their own. So I just really want to make sure that I am bottling up all that magic.
4. Remembering all the Time we have spent together
Rose Bay had a day off a few weeks ago because of the polling, so I took her to a cafe that we used to go all the time when she was a baby. I am sure we all have that one cafe that was a little refuge during Maternity leave. Mine was the Haberdashery in Crouch End. We used to go pretty much every day for a little company. Rose Bay used to charm them all and they called her the Happiest Baby in Crouch End. It was lovely going back there for a little date it reminded me of all those days together when I used to look at her with wonder and think about who she would become. I am so proud of our journey together, Me a slightly terrified 26 year old thrown into Motherhood while my friends and old colleagues carried on climbing the ladder, partying until now actually. Rose a tiny, wilful and beautiful baby who taught me how to be a Mother and what patience was. I always remind myself of how I felt in those early days and how far we have come and a family.
5. This is their Journey
I can be so selfish at times. You know those days when you are exhausted, when Motherhood really tests you. I think it is so easy to think that it is all about the challenges we face, so I really have started to remember that it is about their Journey. They are so young and just starting theirs. I get so overwhelmed by the day to day parenting that I sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture of their journey. Their lives.
Who are they going to become? What are they going to do?
So I am thinking about what I can do to really prepare them in the 18years I get to have them with me. I think it is to feel completely smothered in love. I want them to have real confidence in who they are when they fly the nest. This I think is the best life skill. If you really know who you are and what makes you happy I think you have it all sorted. So I am going to cover them in love and talk about the wonderful parts of their very different characters.
I can’t wait to watch them grow and see which path they take.
Do you know just writing this post has made me feel so positive and blessed. I sometimes think about closing Musings down Insta account and all but I love that the girls will be able to really start reading all of my Musings when they are a little older and they have a record of their childhood. So I think for now Musings is going to stay.
London Mum x